Sexy Time Cliches

So the other day I'm scrolling through Facebook when I came across a picture on one of  my friend's pages. The pic was Erotic Romance Bingo, where you play by - you guessed it - covering a square every time you come across a cliched phrase in an erotic romance.

When I first saw this, I cringed. I've used some of those phrases! That must mean that my writing is cliched crap! I got all red in the face, positive no one would buy my book. Then I calmed down and did the math (yes I'm that obsessive). I used 8 of those phrases. That's only 33%! Since I'm only on my second book and still learning, I'll consider myself in the clear.

Of course I want to grow as a writer and come up with inventive new descriptions, but hell, there's no need to reinvent the smut wheel. Sometimes "scissoring fingers"* might just be the best way to get the point across. Besides, as I've aged (like fine wine, yo) I've discovered that purple prose & flowery euphemisms annoy the hell out of me. That's why I choose to write erotic romance, where we tell it like it is.

I realize that Erotic Romance Bingo was all in good fun. I just thought it would be even more fun for me to share my characteristically overly dramatic reaction to it. However! There is one cliched phrase I will no longer be using. Liquid heat. Why? Well...

It'll be too hard for me to describe lady parts as liquid heat now that I know it's something that can be used to unclog a backed up sink. No woman wants a va-jay-jay that powerful. At least, I don't think they do. I swear, I didn't know whether to use it to fix my sink or put it in a pair of underwear and set it loose on unsuspecting men. The lines are so blurry.


*Wanna know the other squares from this bingo I used? Well you'll have to buy The Sergeant, available April 26 to find out. See what I did there? ;-)

PRETTY BOY - A Love Story

A couple months back I was scrolling through tumblr and came across a little black and white cartoon. It told the story of a meeting between two young men in high school. One, was the pretty boy, the other the high school jock. I won't spoil the story for you in case you decide to read it. But I will say that it was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen. It was so well done, the scenes, facial expressions, and dialogue perfectly moving the story along in just a few short panels. (I had to think what the proper word was for comics. It is panels, right?) There was a little bit of a trigger in the story for me, but their love story was so sweet I had to have it. And not just as a saved post on my computer. So I actually checked out the source of the tumblr post and saw the artist had a website for their work. When I saw Pretty Boy was available as a booklet I ordered it immediately. The booklet isn't fancy by any means, but I was happy to spend the money and support a fellow writer for a story that I had enjoyed so much.

Actually I see lots of amazing artwork, stories and crafts on tumblr. I'm really in awe that there is so much talent out there in the world. I even posted the other day that I hope some of those artists start selling their stuff on sites like Redbubble, Etsy, etc. I'm sure there are lots of people who would support them by buying their work.

You never know what darling little treasures you'll stumble across on the internet. Thanks OMOCAT for creating Pretty Boy. I love it.

Find OMOCAT's work here: http://www.omocat-blog.com/
PRETTY BOY: http://www.omocat-shop.com/products/pretty-boy-booklet-1

First Look at The Sergeant!

Today's the day! Today I'm releasing the first three chapters of The Sergeant out into the world. Take a look and get to know our heroes. Maybe even take a peek at their first kiss. (I'm making a sassy face, but you can't see it) I'm nervous! Sending my baby out amongst readers. But it's time for me to start letting them go.

Click the cover image for a sneak peek at my upcoming erotic romance, The Sergeant

Blowing My Own Horn!

I've mentioned before the problem I had with promoting my first book. Basically I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I printed a bunch of flyers. A bunch. Want to know where most of them are now? In my closet. I didn't have a real plan so I didn't do much with them. I sent my sister some to pass out and to give to a friend of hers who has a sex toys business. I took some to a few novelty sex shops in Houston. And that was it. What a waste of money! I didn't do anything else because I didn't know what else I could do. But I've learned. This time I have a plan. I wrote it down and everything. After spending hours on the internet researching (along with wasting lots of time on tumblr) I came up with lots of things to do to promote The Sergeant. Giveaways, free stories, connecting with other authors, social media. I have plans for all the things. I'm pretty excited about it.

THE PLAN. It's ambitious.

But! I did have one small bit of nervousness to overcome. I was nervous thinking about blowing my own horn because it's not in my nature to do so. So I worried. Worried that people would think my promotional efforts were dumb. Or that no one would pay attention to them, so they wouldn't do me any good. I swear, I spend so much time worrying about the bad things that might happen. It's ridiculous. But there's another but! I smacked myself in the face (figuratively not literally) and gave myself a stern talking to (also figuratively not literally. I don't talk to myself. Much) Self-promotion is part of the job. If I want people to know my book exists, I'm going to have to talk about it. Once I got into that mindset I saw it less as a personal, I hope they like me, sort of thing to more of a here's a product I'd like you to try because I think you'll like it thing. So I'm ready to promote! Will I have the enthusiasm of someone like Colt Cabana right off the bat? No way, that guy is a promotional machine. Check out his podcast and you'll see what I mean. Still, I've got some great ideas and I think they'll really help get word on The Sergeant out there. I know it will be a lot of work but it should also be fun. 

I just want to know one thing before I get started. Can I take all those unused flyers back to Office Depot and get my money back?

Ten Dollar Post for a Two Dollar Hat

I don't think I'm a horrible person. But last year I did something bad. Like take candy from a baby bad. Except it wasn't candy. It was a hat. Let me explain.

Last May the WWE did a house show up in Beaumont, TX. I splurged and got ringside seats. It was a great time. I'd never been to a house show before, so I was enjoying seeing how much the wrestlers interacted with the fans at a non-televised event. At the end of the night, John Cena came out for his match. He went through his entrance, running down and jumping into the ring. He was champion at the time and he did this cool trick where he slid the title belt across the ring to the ref who then tossed it back to him all in one smooth motion. I laughed, then got my phone out to tweet that he appeared to have healed up from whatever leg injury he'd been suffering from.

Before I could send that tweet however, something hit me in the face (seriously I almost lost an eye). I looked down and realized it was John Cena's hat! I dived for it before anyone else could get their hands on it and came up triumphant! I was super happy. All the times I'd gone to wrestling shows as a kid with Big James I was always sad I never got a pair of Bret Hart's pink shades or got to dance in the ring with Junk Yard Dog. We always sat up in the nosebleed section, so I had no chance. But finally! I had something from one of the wrestlers. Then I heard a small voice. "That was for me you know." It was the kid in front of me. He turned back around before I could say anything and well ... I left it at that. And I kept the hat.

Had John Cena been throwing it to him? I don't know, I wasn't even looking. But I was really, really excited to have caught the silly thing. This is the point where some of you ask if I also kick puppies. (I don't) And some of you say I shouldn't feel bad because I was a paying fan who had a shot at the hat just like everyone else. Is either feeling right? Who knows.

But after the giddiness of catching the hat and posting my gleeful face on Twitter and Facebook wearing it, I did feel bad. Yeah, the hat made up for never getting Bret's sunglasses, but now that kid will have his own sad wrestling story. Unfortunately, I couldn't help him but I could help someone else.

Fast forward to July. I'd bought tickets to SmackDown in Houston. They were great seats - the first section up from the floor and directly across from the ring. But then I won a prize where I got to go backstage at the show and have ringside seats. So what was I to do with my other tickets? I tried to sell them. But I didn't try very hard. I wanted to donate them but I wasn't sure how to go about it. So on the day of, I walked up and down the line of people waiting to get in. And that's when I saw them. A little boy of about seven who looked so incredibly happy to be there. And his mom who was looking around at all the adults screaming "woooooo!" and carrying title belts, clearly wondering what her son had dragged her to. I stopped and asked her where she was sitting. When she told me up in the nose bleeds I knew what to do. I gave her the tickets. She was shocked and asked what I wanted for them. I told her nothing but I hoped that her son enjoyed being able to sit so close to the ring.

I felt better. Did I atone for my wrestling sins? I don't know. I still got to have the hat and sit ringside at SmackDown while that Beaumont boy has his sad wrestling memory. But I made a different little boy happy for a few hours. So I'm hoping my karma is somewhat balanced. Then again, maybe I put entirely too much thought into the whole situation. I'm dramatic like that.

To Crowdfund or Not to Crowdfund?

When I decided to self-publish my book I knew that I would have expenses to pay upfront. Things like paying an editor, cover art, promotional items etc. I originally considered doing a crowdfunding campaign to raise the money. But then I thought about it. If people are going to give me money, I'd rather it be because they bought my book instead of donating to help me get it published. That means I'll be paying for everything myself. And that means no more shopping for me so I can work all those expenses into my budget. Well, no more shopping until it's time for Wrestlemania. Then I'm going hog wild on merch and t-shirts that I have absolutely no use for but desperately have to have.

What do you think? Did I make the right decision not to crowdfund?

I'm Just Like Dean Ambrose

Really. I'm just like Dean Ambrose. Okay really, I'm nothing like Dean Ambrose. But I've chosen to look up to him for my career focus. (Here's where the wrestling geek part of me comes into play)

Who is Dean Ambrose? He's a professional wrestler with the WWE. He was previously known as Jon Moxley and under that ring name he worked some very tough matches on the indy wrestling circuit. Matches that involved being thrown through glass panes, bashed over the head with light bulb tubes, and tossed into barbed wire. He did all of that, wrestling in front of crowds ranging from modest to tiny, sometimes for very little pay, all with the goal of making it to the top of his profession. Right now he's well on his way. He's a featured Superstar with the biggest wrestling company in the world.

Through the Thumbtack Glass

Why do I look up to him? Because I've recently accepted a job teaching here in Houston. But my ultimate goal is to be a full-time erotic romance author. I want to support myself fully from my books. I WANT TO BE A COMMERCIAL SUCCESS. But in order to get what I want, I have to sacrifice, just like Dean did. Except my sacrifice won't be nearly as bloody. All I have to do is work a 9-5 to support my writing habit until I reach my goal. Being a classroom teacher is a worthy profession, one that is necessary in order for our society to continue to grow. But it's not where I want to spend my career years. I want to be able to shut myself in a room and write books all day. I just have to work my version of the indies to reach that dream. I can do it. And when I start to feel low and tired of teaching, I'll just remind myself that if Dean could take light bulb tubes to the head in order to get where he wanted to be, I can certainly put up with grading papers and writing lesson plans.

So as I get underway at my new school I'm determined to do the best job that I can there. And whenever necessary I look at the picture of Dean Ambrose I have posted in my classroom to keep me focused.