Monday, May 4, 2015

May 1st

I survived another May 1st. What's the big deal with May 1st? Nothing, for most people. For me, it's the anniversary of my boyfriend's death. Tom passed away from skin cancer on May 1, 2009. Unfortunately, I remember that morning very vividly. Tom had spent the previous night at MD Anderson for tests and treatment. I woke up suddenly at 4:45 and just laid there for about twenty minutes, feeling sick and anxious, until the phone rang. As soon as it did, I knew for sure something had happened. Tom was already gone by the time I got there. He was hooked up to machines so that he was still breathing, but unconscious. So I sort of got to say goodbye, but not really.

The first few May 1sts after that were extremely difficult. I was depressed for the days leading up to them and for several afterwards. Depressed to the level where it was a struggle to do anything. I spent most of those days in bed, hiding away from the world. Then it started to get easier to survive May 1st. And oddly, that made me mad. I didn't want it to be easier to get past those painful anniversaries (his birthday, when he was diagnosed, etc) because it made it seem as though Tom was even further away from me.

Now, six May 1sts later, and I was neither depressed nor angry. I was moody that evening, but it wasn't horrible and it didn't hurt. I want to say that I've accepted his death and I know he's in a better place, etc. etc. And I know all that. I even dreamed a few years ago that he came to check on me. I opened the front door and he was there, as tall and wonderful as ever. There was nothing behind him but the brightest golden light. I was so happy to see him and I told him that I was alright. So yes, I know that he's gone and that he is in a better place. But I'm still disappointed that we aren't sharing a life together. I wouldn't say I'm bitter. I'm just ... disappointed. Maybe once I've moved past that feeling of resentment that he was taken from me, I'll be able to say those things without the underlying layer of disappointment that makes those words sound so fake.

Until then, I survived another May 1st.

Top Pic: Tom and I at home. Bottom Pic: Tom and I visiting the Busch Brewery on a trip home to meet my family.
Tom and I in Jamaica, 2008

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